Thursday, December 13, 2007

Vermont Country Store: Apologist Redux

When last we met, I was talking about the cherished mantel village I purchased from The Vermont Country Store. In the same post, I kinda, sorta, maybe described The Vermont Country Store as "quaintly loony" and "somewhat geriatric."

Well, let me tell you this: The Vermont Country Store is not so geriatric that they don't know about referral stats. Judging from my stat counter, some good people in Burlington, Vermont with an ISP address at a little place called (gasp!) The Vermont Country Store have been coming over here and reading Tuesday's post.

Ahem.

So, without further ado (cue the music, tap-dancing), let me present a brief list of Things I Really Love About The Vermont Country Store:

1. They are family owned and operated. Always commendable.

2. They are self-proclaimed "Purveyors of the Practical and Hard-To-Find" which, in a world full of dopey, "synergistastic" slogans, is refreshingly straight-forward and charmingly put.

3. They have some really great seasonal items, like my beloved village and blown glass ornaments and bubble lights, plus lots of wonderful reproduction toys and games that are hard to find elsewhere. (See? Truth in advertising!)

4. Tell me: where else are you going to purchase your Bread in a Can (Ready-To-Eat Goodness at a Moment's Notice!)...

...or find the world's most comprehensive selection of very warm, staggeringly un-sexy nightwear (It's Flannel Birth Control!)...

...or order your World Famous Florida Water (Is It an Aftershave or a Refreshing Beverage? Both? I Don't Know!)...

....or peruse antiquated hair appliances for those times when you think, "Sure, it's modern and everything, but my hair dryer is just too SMALL AND COMPACT..."

....or find the perfect solution for those embarrassing moments when your dickie won't stop riding up? (Bonus! Crop-Top Dickie Doubles as a Regular Top When Attending Any State Fair!).

And, speaking of embarrassing moments, I want to say something to any and all employees/owners of the Vermont Country Store who might be reading this: I suffered from shingles last year, just like 57% (rough estimate) of your customers. I'll say it again: I had shingles. So did my 27-year-old brother. We will no longer live in the shadows.

In fact, I was taking these pictures when my brother happened to call, and I read to him the product description for Shingles Rescue. You see, my poor brother (whose name, in an insane bit of coincidence, is Croptop Dickie) has been suffering from painful, residual nerve damage...wait for it...on his face. Ouch.

"They say it's clinically proven to cure your symptoms," I told him.

"Really? Nooo. Do you think it works?" asked Dickie.

"It should. It's $35 for an ounce and a half."

"Well, that's what I want for Christmas, then. Seriously," said Dickie.

"You want shingles cream for Christmas?"

"Yes. I would punch a nun to get rid of this pain."

So, there you have it, folks. Shingles Rescue Cream: The Only Gift That Special Twenty-Something in Your Life Would Punch a Nun For!

And also: Who's Calling Whom Geriatric Now, Right?

.

20 comments:

Family Adventure said...

LOL. You had me on the floor with this one. Flannel birth control and all...

But your poor, poor brother. Ouch.

Heidi

Professor J said...

Poor Dickie!

Veronica Mitchell said...

*snort* Punch a nun.

MamaBird said...

Oh honeys, my family has been ridden with the Shingles too! My 2 brothers and I both had it in our twenties, my dad got it at the more normal age of 50 something, my stepmother at 60, and my poor SIL just by virtue of knowing us, last year ON HER FACE TOO, right before we all took a family trip to somewhere warm and her fear of facial scarring was understandably immense. Let me (all of us!) know if the cream works. I will stop laughing forevermore at the purveyors of those lovely cedar doordraftstopperthingamajiggies that my DH keeps tripping over and cursing me about.

Magpie said...

Maybe you should get him a punching nun as well: http://www.mcphee.com/items/09769.html

I love that the Vermont Country Store is reading your blog. Beautiful.

Lisa Milton said...

Shingles? You are way too young to suffer like that - so sorry.

(Has he tried any meds: gabapentin? I'm not big on pushing drugs, but it's helped my neuropathy 10 fold. /dumb drug push)

You crack me up. What a fun catalogue.

Croptop Dickie said...

Let it be stated that I would never punch a nun. Mostly because three conclusive studies have shown that nun punching does nothing to treat postherpetic neuralgia and often results in the dreaded Eternal Damnation.

Loralee Choate said...

Ok, I don't know what was funnier here, the original "Punch a nun" thing or the hilarious follow up of croptop dickie.

Your holiday gatherings must be a WHOLE lot of fun.

Mrs. G. said...

Oh my God, just when I thin you have written my favorite post, you go and do one that tops it. For the record, I am all about flannel birth control!

Mrs. G. said...

I forgot:

Croptop Dickie? Crouton Lung. For the love of sweet Jesus, please never give me a nickname.

Christine said...

Thanks to you I just spent $40 on Horse's Ass underwear and bread in a can!

Anonymous said...

Just to let you know that the above post (Christine) is not Anonymous I am the original Christine but I prefer to go by Anonymous.

Melanie this really cracked me up. Hey maybe your story will end up as a testamonial in the Vermont Country Store. Watch out you never know who could me lurking......As far as your brother goes I love that he is taking back his words...Your Truley Anonymous

vermont country store president said...

Dear Melanie,

We love your blog and will be sending you and your brother, Croptop Dickie, two cases of Shingle Cream. We look forward to your continued patronage and monthly posts regarding our tried and true products.

Sincerely,

John Vermont

BipolarLawyerCook said...

Oh dear-- the state fair thing made me lose it. You are dangerously funny. Do they have a cream for that?

I bought my Better Half a flannel robe from there that has stood the test of time and crumpling on the bedroom floor, and my MIL and my Dad love the hard candies. Oh, wait, we're all geriatric. But it's still a good store.

JennyP said...

sooo....I've been searching for years for that damn hairdryer...my mom has one that is on its last leg and you wouldn't believe how hard they are to find...I will have to come over and peruse the catalog for other treasures....and maybe we'll have to try the bread in a can...it looks delicious!! I bet there are other flavors too, I am seeing a sample party in our future.

Aaryn said...

lord jesus...i do believe this is the best post of 2007 in the entire intertubes. hope dickie didn't have to punch that lady of the cloth.

great writing, storytelling.

Patience_Crabstick said...

I love Vermont Country Store! I have a somewhat perverse fascination with the panties they sell that must give panty lines that could be seen from the moon. I wonder who buys those? They do have a really fun candy selection.

Veronica Mitchell said...

I was just clicking through your favorite posts (MUST! INCLUDE! BOOK ABOUT OCEAN!) and read this again. And I thought, Why is it called a dickie? Really it's more of a foreskin.

laesmralda said...

OMG! i cried laughing about your brother and his "punching a nun" please oh please that was hilarious!! loves it!

Hadley said...

I like the fact that you highlighted some of the amazing products in VCS. A favorite catalogue of the "grandmas." That should be their slogan!