Ouch. He won't even make eye contact with you, Internet. Taking after his music-snob of a father, Jimmy can't dignify these songs with a response. He thinks you all need serious help and a primer course in the finer points of King Crimson, The Who, Captain Beefheart, and Brian Eno. He'll be in the basement now, wearing giant headphones and thumbing through dusty LP's that smell like bitter, old men.
So, after narrowing all the submissions down to the créme de la crap, I asked Ellie (who's almost always game for a tune) for help.
Finalist #1, "Looking Through the Eyes of Love", shamefully submitted by Mrs. G.:
"Ellie, come over by the computer. What do you think of this song?"
"No, that's not a song. That's a MOVIE."
"I know, it's a song in a movie, but what do you think of the song?"
"She's skating on the ice. I want some cheese, OK?"
Finalist #2, "Nothing's Going to Stop Us Now", shamefully submitted by drnurse
"OK. Now come watch this one."
"Oh! I like that movie."
"Oh, really? I pretty sure you've never seen Mannequin."
"That would be a man named Hollywood."
"I'm going to dance now. I'm crazy! Come on, Jimmy!"
"Well, let them say you're crazy. What do they know?"
Finalist #3, "Hanky Panky", shamefully submitted by Tanya
"Come over here and listen to this one. Whoa. Never mind, stay over there."
(Dancing) "Why she's cranky? Why she's spanked?"
"Um. Because she's...bad...at singing?"
"Call the doctor? What?"
"Let's turn this one off."
And Late-Breaking Finalist #4, "To Be With You", shamefully submitted by Mary Ann
"Ellie, Mommy really likes this song. Do you like this song?"
"Those a lot of ladies singing?"
(Haaaaaaaaaaa.) "Yes. Those ladies are called Mr. Big."
"I'm clapping. Look!"
"I know. It's pretty awesome, right? Don't tell your father."
So, left to my own devices to make the tough call, I'm crowning the winner of the I Can't Believe You Like That Song How Embarrassing for You Contest and it's.....Tanya for her submission of "Hanky Panky" from the Dick Tracy soundtrack. Here's my reasoning:
- Easily one of Madonna's obscurest ditties. Bonus.
- There are probably ten people in the whole world who know all the lyrics to this song, and apparently Tanya and I are two of them.
- Said lyrics are pretty hilariously bad.
- The whole affair, from Madonna's "acting" to the words to the schlocky pseudo-big-band music, is exquisitely embarrassing.
- It's even more embarrassing than my pick, if that's humanly possible.
- Dick Tracy soundtrack. What more do you need to know?
Congratulations (or condolences) Tanya, and well done, everyone else! Thanks for playing along. I think a little semi-public embarrassment is good for the soul, don't you?
I won't tell if you don't. Nothing's going to stop us now.