Wednesday, January 9, 2008

Well, here we are again; I guess it must be fate...

Secret Confession Time:

There is a certain song, a song that, if it comes on the radio while I am alone in the car or over the speakers while I am pushing a cart through a grocery store, I always, always listen to every single word. If in the car, I turn the radio up; if in the store, I slow way down, possibly taking a detour through the relative quiet of the feminine hygiene aisle. I hang on the bridge as it kicks into the final chorus, savoring every cheesy lyric and chord change. If I am premenstrual, I may actually tear up a little, so help me God. It is a strange, shameful thing.

This certain song is "After All" as performed by....Peter Cetera and Cher. Oy.

(Please to be enjoying this clip, wherein a loving fan has inexplicably used "After All" to score photographs of U.S. figure skater Michelle Kwan. I'm deeply thankful that there was no Internet when I was a teenager.)

Though I know every word, I don't sing along, because that would be....I don't know. Maybe I'm not comfortable dueting with Cher. Maybe singing would compromise my ability to appreciate the fine, fine performance of Mr. Cetera. Maybe it would cross some sort of line, put me on a slippery slope down to other unsavory, eccentric behaviors like collecting Franklin Mint plates and taping soap operas.

But, in the moment of the song, I am digging it hard and thinking yes, they are exactly like two angels who've been rescued from the fall and then the song ends, and I kind of want to kill myself.

So, do tell....what's your guiltiest, most cringe-worthy song pleasure? (And no cheating: "Don't Stop Believing" and "Gloria" are legitimately kick-ass songs. You'll have to do better than that.)

The person with the worst song will win something for their humiliation, and that something may or may not be the soundtrack to "Chances Are." On cassette.

37 comments:

Family Adventure said...

Ssssh...don't tell anyone, please:

"Thank you for the music" by ABBA.

And yes, I AM the girl with the golden hair, thankyouverymuch.

Heidi

Melanie said...

Heidi:

Never apologize for ABBA! Shout "Thank You For the Music" proudly from the mountaintops.

ABBA music is a force unto itself.

BipolarLawyerCook said...

Hmm. It's so hard to pick. But I could sing you all the words to all the songs on New Jersey AND Slippery When Wet. And I own them on CD. And still listen to them. Just not when the husband is in the car.

And yes, you won the puzzle!

Melanie said...

Oooh. The 'Jovi is indeed regrettable.

Bonus points for owning the CD's.

Rima said...

OMG, I luuuuurve this post!

I recently came out of the closet on my own blog with my song of shame - "Making Love Out of Nothing at All" by Air Supply. And I don't just wait for it to come on in the elevator, either. Oh, no, I've been known to put it on repeat play in the CD player or sneak back to my archives for the Utube link I created to get my cheez fix.

And I'm with you on ABBA.

Ain't NO SHAME in that!!!

Melanie said...

Rima:

Yes! Yes! Oh, Air Supply is some bad stuff: so toothless, so easy, so very, very white. If the best album cover illustration for your music is a photograph of a rainbow-colored hot air balloon, your band is straight cheese.

I applaud you, Rima. Excellent choice.

Veronica Mitchell said...

"I Can't Fight This Feeling Anymore"by REO Speedwagon

I can still sing every word.

Melanie said...

Veronica:

It's time to bring this ship into the shore and throw away the oars, forever...

Do you remember the video? With the floating baby? And all that hair?

Great choice. I love singing along to this one.

Anonymous said...

Careless Whisper by Wham! and I will not identify myself for fear of...well, a fear of it being know that I love Wham!

Melanie said...

Anonymous:

There is no judgment here. I have karaoke'd Wham! or George Michael songs more time than I care to mention.

"Careless Whisper" always makes me kind of sick and uneasy. No idea why.

Sweet Pepita said...

Oh my God you are so funny. And BRAVE! I can't believe I'm gonna say this... "Sweet Child of Mine."
And I don't even remember LIKING Guns'n Roses. Well it's out there now. Oh, the shame.

hippyhappyhay said...

Oh, *sob*, Jovi regrettable? Consider me shot through the heart and you're to blame. I love him. I saw him on TV the other day and OH MY, if he hasn't aged well. Added him to my secret boyfriend list then and there.

I guess mine would be *Staying Alive*, mainly because I sing and dance along which is painful in itself.

Mrs. G. said...

OK, I'm going out on a limb here, so please don't do any photoshopping or delete everyone else's comments so that I'm left standing here all alone. I'm going way back for this one. Ready...

The Theme from Ice Castles--Through The Eyes of Love.

stephanie said...

The Air Supply song, wow - I had a moment when I read Rima's comment; that is brilliant cheese.

But my longtime love affair is with all things Rick Springfield(which makes my husband knot up in a ball and whimper). I think my favorite is "State of the Heart." I get all wiggly when I hear it.

But please don't send me your cassette. :)

Amy the Mom said...

Well, your pick would definitely be in my top five and I might even stop on a cable channel and watch the movie from time to time. Wasn't Cybil pretty back then?

But my very favorite cheesy, cringeworthy song is "Open Arms," by Journey.

Please keep the cassette, I have not a single cassette player in the house.

Angie said...

Okay, swallowing all my pride and admitting that My Heart Will Go On, by Celine Dion, still brings me to tears.

God, did I just admit that?!

Christine said...

8675309, Jenny I've got your number...and yes, I can do the hand motions w/ the numbers while singing it out loud and proud

Angie said...

okay, thought of another one. I Want To Know What Love Is by Foreigner. Reminds me of my days working at Kentucky Fried Chicken in high school.

By the way, I just downloaded Christine's suggestion above. Good ole' Tommy Tutone! Classic.

Do I have bad taste in music or what?

Nora Bee said...

You're The Inspiration. (Chicago)

Doo doo DOO doo doo DOOOO DOOOO doooo

No one needs you more than I neeeeed youuuuuuuuuuu.....

My Crazy Beautiful Life said...

I was a closet Madonna fan in the 80's. I pretended to like Def Leppard like my friends but I preferred songs like Papa
Don't Preach and Crazy For You. I have a couple of the songs from her Dick Tracy soundtrack on my Ipod and my favorite one is "Hanky Panky (Spank Me)" but don't tell anyone!! :)
Tanya

Claire B. said...

When the Lights
Go Down
In the Ci-tay
And the Sun Shines on
The Ba-ay

ooh I wanna be therereyeeyer
in my Ci-tay
ooooooohhhhhhh ooooohhhh

and then it wails

Journey, of course

Claire B. said...

PS Great post!

standing still said...

Cannot possibly compete with that. I wasn't familiar with the song, so I played about 37 seconds of the You Tube, and had to turn it off. Something in my brain started, um, bleeding.
But, I tape my soap opera when I'm feeling particularly needy. A very popular ABC show that I learned to watch to while attending a high brow mid-west liberal arts college. So, I believe it is my continuing educational duty to maintain a relationship with said show.
Even though I graduated in 1986. From a different school.

coolbeans said...

sweet pepita! While other Guns N' Roses songs might be regrettable, "Sweet Child O' Mine" is one of the best songs from the hair band era. It's really, truly okay to love that song.

"Sweet pepita!" might be my new favorite exclamation.

coolbeans said...

Mine is "Set Adrift on Memory Bliss" by P.M. Dawn.

My only defense is that it samples "True" by Spandau Ballet.

Melanie said...

Sweet Pepita: But, see, so many people love GNR, and you can bring the house DOWN with a little well-timed "Sweet Child Of Mine." Good choice, but not humiliating enough.

Hippyhappyhay: Yeah, Jon is looking pretty rough these days. And "Staying Alive" is well-loved, campy fun. Huge bonus points for knowing the dance routine, but not humiliating enough.

Mrs. G: Yes! I was hoping someone would bust out some Melissa Manchester. That's a baaad song. But I love it. A nice amount of humiliating, plus bonus points for continuing the ice skating theme. Well played.

The Boddeker Blog said...

OK- I have a tie-
Don't it Make My Brown Eyes Blue (Crystal Gayle and sister of Ms. Dolly)
OR.....

A Little Bit Country, A Little Bit Rock and Roll- Donny and Marie-

Yes, sad but very true.

Melanie said...

Stephanie: Nice! A pleasingly obscure Rick Springfield ditty! Rick Springfield is ALWAYS embarrassing, so well done. (And just because of your sassy comment about my cassette, I will be sending you the soundtracks to "Cocktail", "Some Kind of Wonderful" and "Footloose." On cassette.

Amy: Thank you for embracing "After All" with me. Perhaps WE are those angels who've been rescued from the fall. Maybe? And "Open Arms" is an excellent choice. Beaucoup fromage.

Angie: That was pure shameful confession, right there. Well done! Oh, that is an embarrassing song on so many levels: the Celine, the cheesy film, the chest-thumping. Once more, you opened the door, Angie. Definite contender.

Christine: I'm sorry, but I've gotta file that under kick-ass song. Tommy Tutone, baby.

Nora: That's some cheesy Chicago, to be sure. I have a very sad, maudlin story about that song, but I will save it for another time. Good choice, and thanks for bringing up the pain level. :)

Melanie said...

Tanya: I could not love you any more right now. My secret personal specialty is Film Soundtracks from the 80's & 90's With Little Or No Artistic Merit. And "I'm Breathless" was in the mix. I know all the lyrics. EMBARRASSING.

Claire B.: Nice choice, but I think your quality-level is too high. Journey is cheese, but beloved cheese. And, thanks!

standing still, I believe you've perfectly summed up the point of the contest: Songs I Love that Make Other People's Brains Bleed. Perfect.

coolbeans: After reading your comment, I went and watched the entire video on YouTube. Maaaan. I'd forgotten about that one. Well played, player.

Melanie said...

boddeker: Nice! Busting out some Crystal Gayle AND a little Osmond. Bonus points for a song so cheesy that no one will even play it on the radio anymore. Not even in Utah.

drnurse said...

How about "nothings gonna stop us now"...the love theme from "manequin" by Jefferson starship/airplane. Makes me remember an old boyfriend...

Mary Ann said...

Sigh. Mr Big "To Be With You". Deep inside you know you feel it, too.

JennyP said...

You are killing me...I can't believe you admitted this...and FYI...Buffy IS a soap opera and you did tape it at one time...as for the song, I would have to go with Ballerina Girl by Lionel Richie...or really, any Lionel Richie song...but not Dancing on the Ceiling (that was too commercial and not enough mockery material)...or maybe another peter cetera song (or any song from the karate kid movies)--the glory of love...yes, that's the one.

bubandpie said...

Total Eclipse of the Heart! (Though I have to say I DON'T love the video with all those neon "bright eyes.")

Tootsie Farklepants said...

Copacabana from Barry Manilow. There. I said it.

Kin said...

I don't know why I did it, especially since I already know all the words by heart.



But I typed in the first two lines of the song "well here we are again i guess it must be fate" into Google.



That's how I found your blog site. Which I must say, is the funniest page I've ever read.



Anyway, for my money, the most cringe-worthy song has to be "Glory of Love", also by Peter Cetera.



Just like a knight in shining armor

From a long time ago

Just in time I will save the day

Take you to my castle far away



Listening to lyrics like that as a teenager, plus due in part to this song having been featured in the Karate Kid film, fueled many years of Karate lessons well into my adult life.



However, in the interest of originality , I'd also like to nominate the theme from "Meet Joe Black". The tune varies; in the soundtrack it's listed as 3) Walkaway 8) Cold Lamb Sandwich.



They correspond to the scene where Brad Pitt and Claire Forlani leave the coffee shop and the scene where Anthony Hopkins reminisces about how when he met his late wife, she was wearing:



this little blue suit... with a little white collar that had a little... red piping on it, and how she knew about stuff like cold lamb sandwiches were “not as chewy as roast beef, not as boring as chicken”.


Well, I doubt this will win me any prizes, but here you go... just my two cents :)

Kin said...

... and my dignity :)