Dear PB Teen:
First of all, I realize you're inundating me with catalogs and e-mails because I TOTALLY asked for it by occasionally scouring your website's bargain bin for smoking deals on modern-but-whimsical home accessories. For, you know, teenagers. But I really love that iron birdie mirror with hooks I purchased last year for 235% off and I hang my keys on it every single day. Love it. So, thanks for that. And even though I roll my eyes at merchandise like your $600 Get Glam Station or the equally ridiculous Deck Furniture Collection (For the teen who loves just hanging out! On their own personal giant deck!) I generally look the other way and leave you in peace to sell aspirational lifestyle furniture to the parents and children of Orange County or whatever.
But today, PB Teen, today a promotion for this abomination appeared in my inbox and my eyes promptly rolled out of my head and behind the refrigerator.
Lawsy, lawsy, lawsy. This bed, a horrible synthesis of Cribs culture and Hugh-Hefnerian lounging BUT FOR A TEENAGER'S BEDROOM, immediately calls to mind some privileged youth somewhere out in the vast suburban landscape, sprawled, slack-jawed and faux-hawked, across a downy mess of designer bedding and Red Bull empties and engaged in a non-stop summer bacchanal of MTV, PlayStation, and late-night Cinemax. This bed is the stuff of my worst parenting nightmares.
According to the helpful promotional video, your designers developed this "creative solution for everyday life" after surveying teens and discovering--SURPRISE!--teens want to have a TV located right in their beds. Well, mission accomplished, PB Teen. I look forward to your research-based Extreme Nacho Cheese Injection Baja Loungers and Skips Right To The Naked Boobs Scene Media Player.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a refrigerator to move. Typing without eyes is tricky business.
The 30-Year-Old Woman Who Only Bought That Cute Bird Mirror That One Time Because It Was A Great Deal. And The Cute Lampshade. But That's It.