Thursday, April 10, 2008

The Footboard of the Damned

Dear PB Teen:

First of all, I realize you're inundating me with catalogs and e-mails because I TOTALLY asked for it by occasionally scouring your website's bargain bin for smoking deals on modern-but-whimsical home accessories. For, you know, teenagers. But I really love that iron birdie mirror with hooks I purchased last year for 235% off and I hang my keys on it every single day. Love it. So, thanks for that. And even though I roll my eyes at merchandise like your $600 Get Glam Station or the equally ridiculous Deck Furniture Collection (For the teen who loves just hanging out! On their own personal giant deck!) I generally look the other way and leave you in peace to sell aspirational lifestyle furniture to the parents and children of Orange County or whatever.

But today, PB Teen, today a promotion for this abomination appeared in my inbox and my eyes promptly rolled out of my head and behind the refrigerator.

plasmabed

Lawsy, lawsy, lawsy. This bed, a horrible synthesis of Cribs culture and Hugh-Hefnerian lounging BUT FOR A TEENAGER'S BEDROOM, immediately calls to mind some privileged youth somewhere out in the vast suburban landscape, sprawled, slack-jawed and faux-hawked, across a downy mess of designer bedding and Red Bull empties and engaged in a non-stop summer bacchanal of MTV, PlayStation, and late-night Cinemax. This bed is the stuff of my worst parenting nightmares.

According to the helpful promotional video, your designers developed this "creative solution for everyday life" after surveying teens and discovering--SURPRISE!--teens want to have a TV located right in their beds. Well, mission accomplished, PB Teen. I look forward to your research-based Extreme Nacho Cheese Injection Baja Loungers and Skips Right To The Naked Boobs Scene Media Player.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a refrigerator to move. Typing without eyes is tricky business.

Warmest regards,

The 30-Year-Old Woman Who Only Bought That Cute Bird Mirror That One Time Because It Was A Great Deal. And The Cute Lampshade. But That's It.

.

24 comments:

Someone Being Me said...

OK. I agree that bed is completely wrong for a teenager. All the need is a little mini fridge and you might never see them again. However is it terribly awful of me to REALLY want that bed for me? An upright, tax paying, adult who just wants to live in that bed?

Melanie said...

Ha! Whatever upright, tax-paying adults wish to do with themselves in the privacy of their home is fine by me. I was, of course, only objecting to the notion of selling this bed to kids.

Me, I would only trust myself with that bed/TV/cable set-up in a hotel scenario. If it came into my home, I would potentially be up at all hours, drooling on myself and watching America's Next Top Model marathons.

Rima said...

That's great and everything, but where is the built-in cooler? It should be somewhere within arm's reach.

richgold said...

But the cute deck furniture is ooonnnllyy 3k Mom! I like totally have to have it. Commmme onnnnn Mom. I waaannnnttt that. >:)

Regarding the TV - that might be the only way I get to watch TV these days ... that might not be such a bad thing.

Jenn @ Juggling Life said...

Ack! My eyeballs are burning!

MamaBird said...

Don't show that bed to my husband. Really. And that bed? Ack. I am so not for tvs in kids bedrooms atall much less that kind of dorm room dreamin. OMG, that must be their target market. Boarding schools....

Moriah said...

And also, that wall map seems totally of out of place.

Mike Golch said...

That bed sucks for a teen,a man going thru a middleaged crisis,may be.Besides in needs a built in coller.

I AM VERY MARY said...

Oh yeah, I totally agree, that bed totally sucks, totally. A lot. I would never ever let my kid lounge like that. Ever. (as she secretly calls PB and asks if she can get that bed in super-jumbo adult PB Mom size...)

Mrs. G. said...

This bed should come with the following warning:

Please only buy this bed for your slacker ass, privileged teenagers if you really, really, really love them, because growing up in this room and sleeping in this bed pretty much guarantees that they will live with you forever. Why grow up and work when you've got it all right now, baby?

I'm pretty sure I was 25 before I had a bed that didn't involve a futon, a large sheet of plywood and six milk crates.

And I love the map wallpaper. Your teen can study geography while watching Jack Ass.

Angie said...

We too get this catalog of dreams. It's so bad even my kids look at it and say, "yeah, right." Although, they didn't see this. Thanks for warning me, I'll have to intercept the next catalog.

Professor J said...

Am I the only one who worries about the tv being too close and bad for their eyes? Perhaps it's my mother talking.

dkuroiwa said...

...and is the bed shorter than normal, or does it just seem that way because of those big-ass pillows?!?! SHEESH!!!
Does it come with the Godzilla figure?
Yeah...momma could spend a lot of time in that bed...kids? what kids? I got no stinkin' kids!!

Claire B. said...

Ridiculous.

("eyeballs rolling behind the fridge" is priceless)

Amy the Mom said...

LMAO about Mrs. G's comment. But like others, I wish I had one in my room. I might actually make a dent in my Netflix queue if I did. All those poor DVD's below #12 might actually reach my mailbox.

If that catalog makes it into my house, it's going right in the recycling bin.

stu said...

I think I'm going to order my kids one right now... Ack!

First of all Pottery Barn is ridicously overpriced. If you add up several of the accessories, that bed is over 2 grand and it still would need the TV. A kids bed should not be more than a used car.

I think the TV should go on a milk crate like I had in collage. Nothing keeps you grounded in reality like milk crate and cinder block furniture.

We are a one TV household, much to our children's disappointment.

-Stu

Cheri said...

Yo. At first I thought you photoshopped that sucker, 'cause I know you are VERY talented with graphics and stuff. I can't believe my eyes. Really? For kids? Wow.

Now if I could get that bed for me, but instead of a TV have that screen be for my computer, and instead of blankies, I'll just have a wireless keyboard and mouse. All set!

Sweet Pepita said...

Dagg-on! This bed has me so disturbed I just dropped mango in my coffee! We like to play the price is right with our PB catalogs. Do people really live like this? Really?

It would be cool if it were a bed/living room/amphibious vehicle with auto pilot, though.

Tootsie Farklepants said...

My father would have a heart attack. We were not allowed to lie down while watching tv growing up. Something about it being bad for our eyes. Now, If I had that contraption everything else in my life would be neglected. I'd never leave.

I couldn't wait to move out just so I could watch tv lying down.

bipolarlawyercook said...

On the other hand, the radiation from that tube is sure to neutralized eggs and semen alike, saving the world from another generation of asshats. So I say, let 'em sell that piece of self-involvement.

Lisa Milton said...

I think PB teen needs to be properly stored behind the counter somewhere. Forget the teen years; my 7 year-old son would wrestle the tooth fairy in exchange for his eyeteeth for that monstrosity.

(Thank heavens Stu and Stephanie don't buy that crap either or I'd never ever hear the end of it.)

Glad your eyes are intact again.

Mandy said...

Someone just told me I had to check out your blog because I just blogged about the same thing yesterday! Okay it was my sister because I believe she reads every. single. blog. on the web. (don't tell her husband.. it will blow her homeschooling cover) I too found this completely ridiculous but you are MUCH MUCH funnier! I can't wait to be back to see what else you have to say. I cracked up all through your archives. The Ham flavored Soda had me bout to pee my pants!

foolery said...

I now commence blaming all of society's ills, dating back to the Middle Ages, on PB Teen. Even though I have never seen it, and could not afford even the shipping on anything they sell.

Find a culprit and stick to it.

Isabel Kallman said...

well done.