Thursday, April 24, 2008

To The Brim

I won't lie: things have been a little difficult and strange and sad the past two months. It's been hard to take much joy in the things I usually love, things like writing, taking pictures, cooking. My greatest source of joy, my unflagging constant, has been the intense, overwhelming gratitude I feel for Ellie and James and the way they fill up my days, my life, no matter what.

Some afternoons, when the spring light is perfect and the big bed is messy and unmade and the babies want to jump, my life looks like this:

flop

I watch them, taking their picture as they wrestle and kiss and embrace and laugh, doing everything in my power to save the moment for a time when they are old and I am older and perhaps our hearts aren't overflowing with this kind of easy affection, this innocent, guileless intimacy.

I watch them and think, stay here with me and I will never hurt you. It is a hard, lean, cruel world but it is safe in here, on the big bed, where heartache can never touch us.

I watch them play until my chest feels so full it will burst, so fulfilled by something so simple that I don't even recognize myself. This is a full life, I think. And I can scarcely bear it.



And now, as I type this, it occurs to me: that was kind of a rough transition from the geriatric vibrators, wasn't it? Sorry about that. (And also: that's what she said.)
.

23 comments:

Jenn @ Juggling Life said...

You are wise to treasure these times.

Life is hard sometimes.

MamaBird said...

You rock. Keep em in the bed and snuggle on. Thinking of Baby Isabel and hope she's home soon.

Lisa Milton said...

Nothing better than the Big Messy Bed, a spring morning and a full heart.

(And of course: sass-mouth. "That's what she said." Love that...)

LIghtKeeper said...

Absolutely gorgeous-- babies, color and lighting, and your post. You've captured it all. Your heart is wise to stay open to your feelings, and to witness all that you experience. Thank you, thank you for sharing this!

TEOM said...

Nothing like small creatures playing to open your heart back up.

Mike Golch said...

watching children haveing fun brings so much joy.At least that is how I felt when eatching my nephews when they were young. treasure these times.
grab them sunngle them and most of all give and recieve love from them.
Baby Isabel is still in my prayers.

Kathy said...

Thank you for that. I was sitting here trying to recoup from a 4 year old who is postive he will run the show and my forehead is sore from butting heads all morning.
Your post made me remember that there are far more serious problems lurking out there in this world and I need a little perspective. Sometimes parents get swept up in the battle and don't recognize the foe.

bluemountainsmary said...

I am so glad you shared all this with us - and those lovely spring soft lit photos of your babes are wondrous!

Cheri said...

You have inspired me to call Laura in to jump on my bed.

stephanie said...

These are the days for spending all your time having big squeezes from little people.

Blessings to you & your precious family.

By the way, you owe me for the neck brace I need for that subject-whiplash.

Nancy said...

Great post. I've got a three year old and a one year old too. Some days I get so caught up in life that I forget that my son will never be 14 months, one week, and, uh...doing the math...three days old again. This is it, this is the only day. It's easy to let lots of days go by without it even registering...so thanks for the reminder. We are both so very blessed!

Mrs. G. said...

We all need a safe big bed in our lives.

Kammie said...

The answer to all questions, that's what she said. You crack me up. P.S. Those are some incredibly beautiful children you have there!

I AM VERY MARY said...

I'm coming over to jump on the bed, too. I need a heartache-free zone.

planetnomad said...

You inspire me to hug my children. I miss those afternoon bed-jumping sessions one has with toddlers, but the full-heart-contentment continues.

Geekgrl64 said...

beautiful! loved all the pics, they are precious.

stu said...

You take such great pictures. I always like yours and Mama Milton's.

standing still said...

Ah, life. One minute we're hooting at geriatric sex toys, and the next we're holding our hearts because we're afraid they'll fall out 'cause they're so heavy with goodness.

Jozet at Halushki said...

Those photos are beautiful.

And yes...yes...

I can remember distinctly wrestling and flopping around in my own parents' big bed. It was the safest place in the world.

When I visit my mom, I still snuggle up there for a nap. Best nap ever.

dkuroiwa said...

Six days a week, we rush and hurry to get out of the house..sometimes leaving the futons (no bed!!) on the floor...but on Sundays...with no alarm to wake us, waking up with a little one snuggled with me is absolutle heaven. As my "little one" is nearing 6, he is starting to get to that stage where he is "too big" for stuff like that.
Cherish those moments...keep those pictures safe and handy...I know I do!!!
Thanks for letting us into your "snuggle/jumpy bed"!!

BOSSY said...

Bosy remembers lazy mornings in bed with kids. Oh wait, that was this morning.

BipolarLawyerCook said...

Nature counts for lots, but so does nurture. Your kids are beautiful because you are, naturally and through working at it.

Lyn said...

OK -- after being sent here by Hay, I've spent some wonderful time reading your blog. It's fantastic -- and some of your posts literally have me laughing out loud.

This one particularly touched me. Your words and photos are JUST PERFECT. I've got 5 year old twins and could completely relate.

Thanks.