Sunday, April 20, 2008

Yankee Doodle Dirrrr-tay

Guess, JUST GUESS, what came in the mail the other day?

cover

Awwww, yeah. You know you wanted more.

(In case you missed them, previous installments of my obsessive VCS fascination can be found here and here. And please understand I'm using the term "missed" very, very loosely.)

As I perused the pages of everyone's favorite Yankee catalog, I was delighted to discover the usual suspects, just in time for spring and summer. You have your tasteful, truly exhaustive assortment of muumuus, caftans, and muumuu-caftans...

muumuu

...and your cotton denim everything...

denim denim more denim

...including giant culottes...

cut to flatter

....cut to flatter(!), not to mention...

vim and vigor

...your apple cider-flavored Vim and Vigor Tonic...

lobster newburg

...and Lobster Newburg. IN A CAN. What's that? Not in the mood for canned chipped seafood in a cream sauce? Perhaps something darker, something spicier...

black licorice

...something like every kind of black licorice under Creation, including the deeply sinister-sounding "Sen-Sen." (Candy treat, penitentiary, or opiate?)

And then you have...

discreet delights

...um....

rings

...hello? Did I miss something?

Apparently, not satisfied with simply dominating the antique hair appliance and top-shelf maple syrup markets, the Vermont Country Store has strategically branched out into "Intimate Solutions."

the next stage

For the "next stage in your life." Yes.

Right.

Not that there's anything wrong with that.
I am absolutely all for healthy, geriatric bedroom endeavors and believe that human sexuality is lovely and natural and normal in its myriad shapes and sizes and, listen: if a 98-year-old man can run for president, surely he can enthusiastically knock boots, too. Senator, your body is a wonderland and so on and so forth.

Still, though I'm really trying to be cool about the whole thing, I must admit to being somewhat scandalized by the Massaging Bath Pillow (With Surprise Inside) and the Ergonomic Lover Cushion and the Antibacterial Undercarriage Spray. But not because I'm a prude! No, I was just disoriented by all the support hose and foot cream and spearmint licorice and lulled into a naive sense of security. Because when I'm shopping for old-fashioned spearmint licorice...

spearmint licorice

...I'm not really expecting colorful vibrator assortments and tingly lube.

discreet delights

Needless to say, my once-chaste love affair with the The Vermont Country Store just got a little naughtier, but I'm being completely cool about it. Mature, even. And I'm just letting it go. I could make some stupid joke like, "I guess Vermont really is for lovers," or "They're really putting the yank in Yankee," but I would never say those things.

Because I am Up With The Elderly, Their Bodies, Themselves. I am cool and well-adjusted. I am progressive and open-minded.

And, more than anything, I understand referral stats and know that, when it comes to the Internet, there is no such thing as a discreet delight.
.

44 comments:

bluemountainsmary said...

I love a US catalogue. I have Lands End sent to me and regularly shop there. For you that may be super uncool but their stuff is well made and it is impossible to get skorts here so uncool I am.

It is a big leap though from Lands End to VCS. I am astonished at the breadth of their products!

hippyhappyhay said...

Spearmint Licorice? I'd rather have the vibrator.

dkuroiwa said...

So...if I were to actually order something from there, I wouldn't have to worry about the packaging...it would just say VCS...nothing "wrong" with that company...they have muumuus, denim things and licorice....hmmmmmm....Interesting concept.

Anonymous said...

I also love me some VCS! I worked for an elderly couple for a year and she ordered from them regularly. I always wondered who bought Horehound candies - it was them! She once ordered a bath pillow, hmmm. Eewww!! I love "put the yank in yankee!" So funny!

Veronica Mitchell said...

Laughing... so... hard.

All very funny. I love that the hideous nightgowns and sexual aids are sold by the same people. That says a lot about mature sex. And I'm okay with it. But doesn't an "anti-bacterial" intimacy spray just scream "yeast infection"?

calicobebop said...

Discrete Delight! So funny - and I needed that laugh this morning too.

Lisa Milton said...

'Senator, your body is a wonderland and so on and so forth.'

You kill me. Now I'm a Zombie Mom.

(I wouldn't expect that stuff next to the muumuus either...)

Jenn @ Juggling Life said...

Thank you for enlightening me. How do I get on their mailing list?

If you're going to walk around in those shorts you may need the vibrator.

All Adither said...

I'm off to my licoricey paradise now. With vibrators in hand.

I never knew that catalogue was so odd.

Stacy said...

I never knew that catalog existed. But now, thanks to the magic of the Internet, I am filled with all the intimate details!

stu said...

McCain is only 97 you big exaggerator....

I think that lobster newburg is more disturbing than old people with wrap around vibrators. That picture looks like my cat barfed on those biscuits.

-Stu

Melanie said...

Stu speaks the truth, people.

That Lobster Newburg looks like a crime scene.

Dave S. said...

The leap from dowdy to dirty put a crick in my neck.

What is the Lobster Newburgh served over in that picture? Are those pancakes left over from the maple syrup shoot?

Finally, I happen to like black licorice, but spearmint is, as they say, right out.

MamaBird said...

killin me softly with your bloggin... and I agree with stu about canned meat or seafood products. errrgghhhh.

Magpie said...

My jaw is hanging open. Vibrators? In THAT catalog?

The world is coming to an end.

standing still said...

All right! Way to go Vermont-ers, or Vermont-ans! Next item up for bids? A spearmint vibrator!

Mrs. G. said...

Oh, Melanie, this is a best of BeanPaste for sure. I think if I bought those well cut walking shorts (that appear to be made for giants)I would have room for a pound of licorice in one pocket and all three of those vibrators in the other. Now that would be some kind of hike.

Mike Golch said...

This is interesting to say the least,and that's I gotta say.

Cheri said...

Melanie, well now, there are some products in that there catalog that I'd never seen until today!

Excellent.

foolery said...

Oh, Miss Beanpaste, you just outted the Vermont Country Store. So many naughty Grandmas -- NOT THAT THERE'S ANYTHING WRONG WITH THAT, SEX IS A BEAUTIFUL AND NATURAL THING, blah blah blah -- are going to have to get their freak on from another unassuming muumuu & lobster marketer.

I AM VERY MARY said...

Yes, but was the lobster vomit on the same page as the personal pleasure paraphernalia? Because, well, ew.

J. said...

To answer the various Lobster- Newburg-in-a-Can questions, that is a puffed pastry shell under that creamy deliciousness.

I am also with Hippyhappyhay and Dave S. on the licorice, though there are days when I would prefer good black licorice to the "massager."

Isn't it wonderful how the Vermont Country Store brings people together?

Life just hasn't been the same around here since my spouse wore out his two pairs of VCS flannel PJs. And for some reason we stopped getting the catalog ages ago. Thanks for reminding me to reorder -- and for another great post!

stephanie said...

Brilliant dissertation here.

I am scandalized and a tad nauseous, to say the least - this is why I don't enjoy the One Stop Shopping concept. I'm perfectly willing to pay gobs more for an item that 1) is not accompanied by professorial paragraphs (buzzkill, anyone?) and 2) does not share catalog space with caftans, licorice, and Vim & Vigor tonic.

VCS is a freak show.

phd in yogurtry said...

muu muus and vibrators in the same catalog? gasp! what IS this world coming to?

great post!

phd in yogurtry said...

Jenn said: If you're going to walk around in those shorts you may need the vibrator.

This has me rolling. Touche!

Loralee Choate said...

I was sexually moved by the mumus.

And the drawing of the old guy.

Jennifer said...

Who knew such variety was available through a mail order catalog? That's the funniest thing I've seen all day. ALL DAY, I tell you.

Professor J said...

I will never look at John McCain in quite the same way again. His body is a wonderland, indeed!

richgold said...

Oh geeze. I haven't laughed so hard and loud for a long time. I've got to get me a copy of that catalog.

richgold said...

Oh geeze. I haven't laughed so hard and loud for a long time. I've got to get me a copy of that catalog.

Kathleen said...

OMG, this just made my day. Hilarious! Thanks!

Tootsie Farklepants said...

The large culottes make for easy access of the pinpoint accuracy, um, thingy. Those elderly are on to something.

Amy the Mom said...

Hilarious! I love Jenn's observation about the need for artificial stimulation if you insist on wearing those horrid culottes.

The Lobster Newburg in a can reminds me of the time I thought I'd take a chance on an expensive can of She Crab Soup. It would have been more fulfilling to watch a five dollar bill be shredded by the garbage disposal. Some foods are never meant to be canned.

katydidnot said...

holy hell monkeys. that's bizarre in all kinds of ways.

customer service: how may i help you?
my grandma: item 574A licorice WHIPS please.
customer service: oooh, naughty!

Nora Bee said...

Add this to your greatest hits page!!

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