Sunday, December 9, 2007

JonesTown: Don't Drink the (Ham) Kool-Aid

I was sitting at home, probably wiping something or someone, when hark! a knock at the door by the UPS man. Is there anything better than an unexpected package delivered in the middle of the day, right out of the blue? (That's what she said.) The mysterious box turned out to be a lovely Christmas greeting from our good friend Amy, who is smart and pretty and way too funny to be an accountant. (Thanks, Amy!) And in the box? One of these!

Since we'd just put up our Christmas tree and were feeling particularly festive, we decided to have a familial Jones Soda Taste-Off. Ellie, who is usually held back from the sweet siren song of soda, was even allowed to participate, since it's Christmastime and how often does one get the chance to try meat-flavored soda? (James was exempt. He sat on the sidelines, teething and emitting the occasional, ear-shattering, whale song.) Without further ado, the results of our highly scientific tasting:

Christmas Ham

Melanie: (rendered speechless by first sip) ....

Byron: "This tastes like an antacid tablet, dissolved in a glass of water, and then left in a hammy fridge."

Melanie: "That is completely vile. It smells like a fluoride treatment at the dentist, and tastes....just so bad. I thought this would be sweet and salty, but it is so much grosser than I could have imagined."

(After watching our reaction, Ellie sagely takes a pass on trying the ham soda.)

Byron: "See, I was really looking forward to the ham soda."

Melanie: "You thought it was going to taste good?"

Byron: "Yeah, like maybe a sweet, liquid smoke-y, beef jerky, kind of flavor."

Melanie: "In a soda? You've just described the least refreshing beverage in human history."

Verdict: Hateful. Evil. A disturbing gray-pink color. Disgusted even Byron of the Iron Gut. In retrospect, tasted vaguely of Band-Aid...hammy Band-Aid.

Egg Nog

Byron: "I gotta get the ham out of my mouth." (Editor's note: That's what she said.)

Melanie: "Blech. Uhhg. I don't want to eat anything, ever. I'm nauseated."

Byron: "This is good! It's completely fine. It tastes like ginger-ale."

Melanie: "You're right. Like ginger-ale with extra vanilla. It's completely innocuous."

(Ellie is still reluctant to taste anything. We may be able to instill a life-long fear of soda, here.)

Verdict: Tastes like extra-sweet ginger ale. No discernible nog influence. Though a weird yellow-green color, is the absolute least of our problems.

Sugar Plum

Melanie: (still desperately trying to wash out the ham) "This one is fine. It's fruity."

Byron: "It tastes like grape?"

Melanie: "Pineapple?"

Byron: "Runts?"

Melanie: "It's like putting all the Runts in your mouth at once. Still, way better than ham."

Verdict: Very fruity. Gets bonus points for being a pretty, pale lavender-blue.

Christmas Tree

Byron: (choking, coughing, handing the glass to me) "It's not too bad at first, but it has a strong finish."

Melanie: (skeptical) "Oh, yuck. It's like a Pine-Sol gin and tonic. That is nasty. It tastes like a pine tree scratch n' sniff sticker."

Ellie: "Tastes like CANDY."

Verdict: Exactly what you would expect. Is alarmingly green. Most certainly does not taste like candy. Still better than ham.


Family Adventure said...

Thanks for that...if I ever get the urge to taste HAM soda !?!?

:) Heidi

S said...

I guess I don't need to order mine now...

Karen Jensen said...

That's great. I now have a new barometer of taste: "Hey, it's better than Ham soda."

Sharon L. Holland said...

Meat-flavored soda. Wow. You are a brave, brave woman.

Anonymous said...

All of their sodas sound like something you have to drink to get into a frat. If you are interested, they have Turkey and Gravy soda back for a limited time only. Really makes you wonder why their CEO is stepping down at the end of the year. Perhaps because he has smoked so much pot he can't find his way to the office.

Mrs. G. said...

MMMMM...tastes like ham. Jones' is my boy child's favorite soda-he's fond of the green apple flavor. I find them too sweet and the colors are jarring.

Did you now they also make turky and gravy. Get back to us on that one.

I admire Ellie's cautious restraint.

JessTrev said...

I can't even believe that exists. It's like you made it up via your amazing skills you used to conjure up Popcorn Lung.

Tootsie Farklepants said...

You're the bravest family ever!

Mary said...

Oh my God, that is incredibly brave. I've always seen the Thanksgiving Jones sodas, with the turkey and stuffing and green bean flavors. I've never seen ham before! yuck!

Anonymous said...

Everyone knows the best ham-based beverage starts with club soda and ends at building D, sluice 3 at the Armour rendering plant.

Melanie said...

Is that my BROTHER Jeff (of the cubicle)?

I see that it took meat juice to finally draw you out.

Magpie said...

Speechless. And despite your generally terrible review, I might have to buy some. Meat-flavored especially.

Christina.B said...

o i love jones soda but i dont know if i am up for those flavors

James and Tricia Thomas said...

That's the funniest thing I have ever read!! I have always wanted to try all those crazy flavored soda's but am a little reserved when it comes to tasting meat flavored soda as well! Thanks for the run down!

Be Inspired Always said...

Oh god. ewwwww.

I would have to send that to someone on my naughty list this year.


Monique Walker said...

Thanks for that...if I ever get the urge to taste HAM soda !?!? :) Heidi