Tuesday, December 6, 2011

A Post I Have Been Writing In My Head For Months

Christmas kitteh!

So, let's say you have a sweet little girl, a little girl who has always been quirky and different and in possession of a great deal of sparkle.  Let's say you send her off to kindergarten to a really promising charter school with an arts emphasis.  She loves art!  The school is funky and non-traditional and specializes in learning differentiation. Let's do this!  With the help of an amazing couple of teachers, kindergarten is super.

Then, that sweet little girl starts first grade and along with first grade comes a different teacher.  Even though you have been a life-long fan of teachers, even though you loved school and your teachers and every damn bit of grade-school busy work, you do not like this teacher.  She is not the right teacher for your kid.  You know it in your gut when you meet her for the first time, but you squelch that impulse because you don't want to be high-maintenance.  (Your husband thinks you were a teacher's pet as a kid, and he might be right.)  Even though there is yelling and impatience and whistle-blowing (literal whistles, not the watchdog kind) in this teacher's classroom, you give it a chance.

Your sweet little girl begins to hate school.  She tells you that she's not smart enough for school, that she just can't learn, that she wants to stay home.  She's lost ground since kindergarten.  She can't read and doesn't want to read.  She hates writing.  Numbers are even trickier.  She hates being told a million times a day to change the grip on her pencil.  (This is preventing what?  Her growing into a serial killer with an improper pencil grip?)

She retreats further into her rich inner space of unicorns, rainbows, and giant squid and doesn't even seem present in the classroom. She isn't there.  Watching her in the classroom is heartbreaking and all of her sparkle seems to be dimming.

(It is important to point out that, while all this happening, everyone you know is raising a school superstar.  It's true.  While you're laboring over basic number recognition and fighting for every syllable, every other kid you know is reading on a college level while doing backflips.  This will be discouraging even though you know it shouldn't be so.  Keeping your chin up and your nose down at the same time is impossible.  Your friends are wonderful, but now is the time to go find a friend with a child who is faces similar challenges.  It's not tokenism; it's survival.)

During a discussion with your little girl's teacher, you discover that the teacher is really frustrated with your little girl and feels that she isn't listening on purpose.  Because she needs "constant reminders" to pay attention, your child has been placed at a special table between two children with very profound special needs so that the aide for one of these children can remind your little girl to pay attention.  You thought she was at the special table because she's awesome, kind, and friendly to everyone.  Shows what you know, Pollyanna.

You know that something is going on, that your child is bright and creative and full of ideas, and that she is turning into a different child in the classroom.  Something is wrong, you insist. The teacher will kind of half-heartedly pitch the notion that your kid has ADD.  Maybe autism?  She doesn't actually know your kid at all.

After another crazy-making teacher meeting, you call the director and the special services coordinator to complain a bit more loudly and ask for some preliminary screening for your kid.  The coordinator has seen your kid in action and kind of feels that she might be a "late bloomer, someone who catches up in high school."  Um, OK?  And you are told, politely as possible, that she is "just a little girl who's not yet ready to learn."  You are so mad when you get off the phone that you pull the car over and cry hot, angry tears in a parking lot.  WHO SAYS THAT?  WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?  You are kind of furious now.

There is a meeting with everyone involved, and it suggested at this meeting that you and your husband might need to adjust your expectations for your little girl.  You insist that she is a different child in the classroom and are dismissively told that every child behaves differently at school.  Hilarity ensues, wherein "hilarity" equals "more angry crying in parked cars."  You feel desperately alone in your fight for an appropriate education for your kid.

Because no one at the school will help your kid or listen to a damn word you're saying, you explore other avenues.  You check out a local non-profit that does excellent work with the diagnosis of and help with learning differences.  You watch your little girl on the other side of a one-way glass for several snowy mornings as she is given a battery of tests.  During the interviews and testing, you can see with alarming clarity all the ways that she is a bright bundle of non-linear thinking and all the ways that she is struggling.  (Her interpersonal skills are the best.  The clinical director asks for a definition of "sharp" and your six-year-old kid says, "Well, you're looking really sharp today."  You resist the urge to break through the one-way mirror and eat her up.)

You know these strengths and these struggles are just two sides of the same coin, and you must never forget that.

You get the report back from the testing center, results that show that your child has perfectly excellent cognitive abilities and great things going on in her head, but is having some serious challenges with input/output and considerable working-memory deficits.  (They resist using the term "learning disability" which is good, because that's not really helpful at all, is it?)  Basically, there is a giant discrepancy between her ability and demonstrated performance AND ISN'T THAT WHAT YOU WERE SAYING BEFORE?

You resist the urge to roll up these results in your fist and cram them up a certain person's certain part.  Someone asks you if you find the results upsetting, and you reply, "There is not a single thing in there that I didn't know about my kid.  But now I have a really excellent written explanation."  It is time for another meeting.

This meeting is better in that the school is listening to you and taking you seriously now because you have An Official Report.  Another bonus: the school is doing a weird high-stepping, smiling, solicitous thing that makes you think they're worried about litigation.  This is perversely satisfying, which is awful of you.  There is talk of moving classes and increased accommodations and other good things, but your kid has lost half a year and is still struggling.

Eventually, you and your husband say, "Eff this, we're done," and pull the kid out of school.  It is a hard decision, but it is the right one.  Sometimes being a champion for your kid will make you seem like a complete loon.  (And, by the way, this entire exercise will make you much less judgmental of other parents who seem to be acting like loons.)

Your little girl seems relieved.  She comes home in February and you are all just so relieved.

You start homeschooling, which is pretty great.  The sparkle is coming back.  And then.

(Stay tuned for the next thrilling installment of "2011: All This Stuff.")


Melanie said...

And, just to clarify, 2011 was awesome. And sometimes really confusing and painful. But doesn't that go together when you're doing it right?

Jenn @ Juggling Life said...

I don't even KNOW your kid and I can see her sparkle.

Melanie said...

Aw, thanks, Jenn. That might be a Photoshop effect, though. :)

Dharmamama said...

As a long-time unschooler, and someone frequently mistaken for a loony mom... I'm on the edge of my seat for the next installment!

All I wish is that your daughter is happy. Can I turn to the end of the book? Is she happy?

Melanie said...

OK, spoiler alert: she's really happy. But her pencil grip is still shit. :)

Lisa Wheeler Milton said...

Damn. I can't wait to hear more. And I've done the whole 'learns differently, IEP, etc' routine with my own sweet boy. IT's exhausting. I am so sorry.

Did I mention I can't wait to hear more?

dkuroiwa said...

I'm oh so very curious to see how this plays out as I have my own 9-year-old with similarities.....including that sparkle thing. I'm at such a loss as Japan is so far behind in the testing and "here's what you can do to help" kind of things. Homeschooling is not even an option here.....looking for some inspiration.
Here's to little kids who not only think outside the box, but sometimes, make their own box in which they work....and work out of!!

Christie Who? said...

Bravo for you - Mamma Bear! You, and of course Mr. BeanPaste, know that darling girl (and as a professional educator the problem is not with her but with the "institution" we now call "school")...stand your ground and let that girl sparkle!!!!

Emily (Redman) Jones said...

Wow. Can I admit that I just cried? Your amazingly well-written words really struck a chord with this teacher's-pet-of-a-mom who is currently fighting to support her brilliant little boy through his anxiety (and alligator tears) over (pre)school. I know we'll figure this out. But his worry and fear over not being mainstream enough makes me really, really sad. So thanks for sharing - I can't wait for the rest of the story...

Amy said...

I'm dying to hear where you're going with this, Melanie, because the same thing happened with my daughter and her twin brother in 2nd grade and I'm sad to report that I did not go to the lengths you did to get different answers. They are now sophomores and even though they are bright and sparkly at home, school is a neverending, hair-pulling frustration for all of us. Right now, I'm listening to them with their friend in the background...their sense of humor is sophisticated, pitch perfect and knee-slappingly funny. I swear my daughter is the next Tina Fey. The crap I've heard from teachers and counselors and school administrators...ugh. Even friends are quick to say, "Eh, just give the Ritalin/Adderal/insert psychotropic drug name here a try." I've been contemplating the online route, coupled with some homeschooling. The only problem is they both love the social interaction at high school. My husband assures me that they're so much more than their GPA and he swears that there's no reason to worry about them being successful adults.

Anyway! On the edge of my seat!

Anonymous said...

I'm just so sorry that you had to deal with craptastic school issues. Even though I only know your daughter in a far-away, blog-world way, which is to say not at all, she has always seemed so full of life and verve and happiness. And, wow, hm, she doesn't fit into the school box? WHAT a shame. She's TOO BIG for the school box! :)
As a future homeschooler, i'm excited to hear about your experiences. I just really can't imagine anything more exciting than exploring the world of learning together with your child. Well, Ok, actually I can. But that one is up there.

Hay said...

And then. Man, you slay me with your teasers. Love hearing from you.

Karen Jensen said...

Your whole sparkly family is fantastic. Can't wait to hear more!

jess said...

Good for you! It's not easy to stand up to that kind of barrage of negativity. I'm betting she soars in homeschooling.

Suburban Correspondent said...

Oh, I'm so glad. By the end of the first paragraph, my fingers were itching to type, "TAKE HER HOME!" They are so little only once. There is no need for linear thinking until they are older. Let her play, let her dream...read to her lots until she decides she wants to read herself. I particularly hate when schools force a child to read too soon (and by too soon, I mean before that child wants to take on the challenge of decoding words). To me, it is a horrible violation of that child's brain to do that. My oldest learned to read at age 9. Within 3 MONTHS he was reading Harry Potter. Yours will not fall behind.

Also? My oldest is now in college, majoring in Arabic. Arabic! He totally would have tested as learning-disabled when he was 6 or 7.

I'm a nut on this subject, I know. Just trust your instincts. And my elementary-aged kids DO do workbooks, you know, and assignments they don't like. But only when I know they are ready for it, intellectually and emotionally.

Suburban Correspondent said...

Oh, and I still don't hold a pencil right. Who cares?

Megan said...

Good for you, Melanie-- I teach kindergarten and am special ed and reading specialist certified (can you tell I overachieve??) and it breaks my heart to hear what an ass the first grade teacher was. So sad. All kids want to learn and I don't know a single kid who actively wants to not pay attention. I'm glad you found a solution that works for you and brought the sparkle back to your little lady. And for the record, my pencil grip is terrible too. Oh well.

Anonymous said...

Your little girl/woman is a big inspiration, and she is amazing. She is everything from reminding someone of a quirky super heroine in a novel to being smarter and more insightful then most grown-ups. But most important she is kind, and she is genuine, and you are the greatest mom for always wanting to and letting her be herself. You are the mom, moms want to be and Oprah has shows about. She is the daughter who, (and this is my perspective of having a heart breaking choice of not having a child at one time) makes me excited about wanting to be a mother to a daughter who is so sweet and so unique and can inspire the joy of that connection. Oh and I want her hair, and yours for that matter. <3

The Other Laura said...

Yay you! It is so hard sometimes to just listen to your gut and do what is right for your kid.

lijhe said...

I'm cheering you on!

graceunderpressure said...

This is where I tell you that I told each one of my kids that school is shite and you just have to get through it; I will always believe what you tell me about your teacher/ the other kids [good or bad] and please tell me everyday. Unfortunately I wasn't in a place where I could homeschool so they had to keep going. Life is MUCH better after high school. College and University are NOTHING like school. And don't hit anyone first, but if they hit you, whale on them til you can't move or they are lying on the ground. It might not prevent another fight, but they will think twice. You will get suspended for this, and then I will have to ground you, but I'll completely understand why it happened. [there is a no hitting policy, and a no telling policy, so how do you get any help from bullying?] Am I a bad mother? All my children are still alive; they are helpful kind creative compassionate people; I am still helping my son and he's 19 and in college.
School: I'm glad to hear it was good for you. My mom was trained as a teacher [so was her mum and aunt] and she says some teachers prefer girls or boys, and you have to teach to the mainstream kids. Many don't know how to handle the kids that do things differently.
School sucked for me. I am almost 50 and would rather hug people than anything. I love God and I love to write. Most of my high school was private -which option most don't have. Good luck and much love to Sparkle Beanpaste. Ask her to ride over to visit me on her unicorn. I'm the second rainbow star on the right after Mars.

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Dau said...

Awwwhhhh; Mel. She's amazing, and so are you. Miss you guys.

Mellie said...

Wow, what a story! Good for you. Can't wait to find out what happens next.

maggiegracecreates said...

Melanie - I teach 3 & 4 year olds in Sunday School. I also have two young adult women in my house who were top of the class always. It is about teachers and finding what is right for your child - be is demanding a change in the school - changing schools - or home schooling - what ever works.

You are doing what you know to be best for your person - funny - I have a child in my Sunday school class who is being tested for autism now because the teacher "tagged" her as such. In my class, one freaking day a week, I have no problems with the same child. This child said to me - "why talk to my teacher at school, I never say one thing right to her." There is nothing wrong with this child, just a squelched personality. At 4 years old, no one needs that mental and emotional issue handed to them.

Teachers need to carefully choose how they deal with young children - much damage can be done if they are not careful.


Anonymous said...

I am so in love with Sparkle Beanpaste! (stole that moniker from another commenter but I love it) "You're looking really sharp today!" This is a child with potential. Good for you. I can't wait to hear more.

Kristen said...

Hugs, and I wish I had your strength.

Ms. Lea said...

Thank Goodness for kids that see things differently, they really are the Brilliance in this world!

karen l said...

Go for it! You and your husband are the best advocates for Sparkles - keep it up.
Our baby boy was diagnosed with a learning disability in fourth grade - we knew he had math phobia, it ended up being a little more complicated! We were able to take advantage of good resources in our public school system - had they not been so great, we would have home schooled. In some ways, he sounds like Sparkles - excelling in some ways, not so hot in others. We learned later that the gifted & talented gurus are realizing that kids can be gifted, yet have learning differences! (I could have told them that)
Long story short, baby boy is completing an internship that is the final requirement for his Master's degree.
Give Sparkles a hug! Can't wait to see what she accomplishes!

Rima said...

Hi Melanie - I just popped in on the off chance that you may have posted between now and the last time I checked (I never give up) and was so happy to see you back online. Although I hate that you and your sweet daughter had to go through what you did with her school. I'm so glad that you are back and posting. I hope 2012 brings you and your family wonderful things. -xo

Tabitha from Bath said...

Dear Melanie -
YES! I was there with my daughter, too. One school was content to leave her languishing at the bottom of the class in reading when she was in Kindergarten. I had her assessed, and same thing. top 10% in terms of verbal reasoning bottom 30% in short term memory & processing speed. We changed schools, we found Dyslexic support. We changed schools again. She is now almost 11, and she can't stop reading. She can't stop writing stories. She has stopped hating maths, though she doesn't enjoy it as much as English & History. She is starting to really shine. It can be done! You MUST read "The Gift of Dyslexia: Why Some of the Brighest People Can't Read and How They Can Learn" By Ron Davis. Some of these challenges she is facing are just the flip side of some real talents she has. It is a gift! Have you tried making letters out of play-doh? Turning them into 3D objects, instead of shadows on a flat page can make a huge difference! Keep writing. We love you!

Me said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Me said...

Hi! I linked in from Blog This Mom and from there I linked in from San Diego Mom. Just so you know where I came from. I always find it interesting.

I read this post late last night and I remember thinking what crap society puts us through telling us what our kids SHOULD be like.
Then, this morning I read one of MY regulars and thought of your post.


Take care!

Anonymous said...

As a Mom who looked at a table with NINE unhelpful adult facilitators with their IEPs and their charts... And then looked at my daughter who looked at me.... I promised her she NEVER had to go to THAT school again. We found a place that met her needs.

That daughter is in VET School and doing VERY Well in a very competitive place. I often think of those Adults who Told Me that my Child was just not capable of much. And LAUGH.

Children can do Anything. Cause their parents encourage them and support them.

Foto Clipping said...

wow!! she is sooooo sweeeet! :)

Pernicious Panda said...

Update? Update?? Please???

Karen (formerly kcinnova) said...

I wish it hadn't taken me until 5/6 of the way through 2nd grade to come to this conclusion for one of my kids.
It's tough. I understand.
And you ROCK, mama!! Glad you are enjoying your sparkly girl. (And now I guess I understand why you seem to have disappeared from the face of the earth. You've been BUSY!

Jenni said...

I have been that aide placed at a table with the special needs kids and the one undiagnosed, more capable kid who is struggling. This is my third year doing this job. The teachers and staff at our school are amazing. Most importantly, they CARE. Sometimes they are frustrated with kids or parents or the stupid rules that make no sense and make it harder for them to teach. Sometimes *I* am frustrated with children--not those who can't do the work but those who won't or don't believe they can or by those who accept less than the best for those kids or don't want to push them because they have a diagnosis.

(*Every* child should be encouraged, coaxed, coached, pushed, and lovingly prodded toward achieving *her* full potential, dammit. Do not take it upon yourself to set limits to what she can do. Do not feel sorry for her and make every lowered goal easily attainable. Set the bar high and help her reach it with much patience and love.)

What you have said here is what I see, though. This is true even in a school that has only teachers who care and are willing to fight for their students and do whatever it takes so that they can learn. (Seriously, we have no bad teachers.) So often there is a disconnect between teachers and parents. Always there is someone who isn't listening or who doesn't understand. Always there is the child, caught in the middle. *Usually* both want what is best for the child. (Oh, there are some interesting parents out there, so I must say "usually".) There ought to be a way to facilitate understanding and cooperation and working together toward this common goal of giving each child the best education for them.

So what is the problem? I don't know. I wish I could invent a position for myself as parent/staff liaison and child advocate. I see so many parents out there who just don't know what to expect of their children or how to help them do better in school and so many that do know but are frustrated by the misunderstandings and inadequate communication with the schools. Teachers are frustrated with these same things, too. And, if teachers are frustrated, good aides are much more so since we are not allowed to discuss any of the things we see with parents and usually have less idea than the teachers what goes on at home. That's a huge part of the puzzle we're missing as aides and something which might help us to do our jobs better.

Some kids do better with homeschool, though. They need that one on one attention and an environment designed with their particular needs in mind. I'm convinced my oldest son would have been diagnosed with ADHD and my youngest son with ADD and meds pushed if I hadn't homeschooled them through elementary school. My youngest son likely would not have gotten the vision therapy he needed to help him learn to read if I had not witnessed with my own eyes the difficulties he was having and the difference between his experience and his two older siblings'. (I am still dismayed that it took me as long as it did to find someone who could diagnose the problem!) Good for you for doing whatever it takes to help your child! I'm looking forward to reading more about your experience.

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